Fight or Flight Gone Awry

Have you ever had that moment when you realize you have become completely disconnected from everything that once upon a time made you "you"? I was just on facebook, catching up on issues and news from back home. When I first moved 1300 miles away from everything I'd ever known, it was refreshing and took a great deal of weight from my shoulders. Now, over 7 years later, it's as if I'd never even been there before. What was once called 'home' is now a strange land filled with people I simply don't know anymore. I basically ran away from all my problems instead of drowning in them so many years ago. I knew a little bit of everyone, but didn't have anyone to call friend anymore. It felt as if I was the outsider, always looking in on the whole world being happy, while I sat frozen, empty, always just watching. I despised that feeling, still do. It seems instead of getting a reaction by leaving, everyone I'd every known just moved on. No one wanted me back, no one even missed me. So now, I'm still the outsider, always wanting, waiting for that window to open and invite me in. But it never opens. 

Here, where I now call my home, I'm still not completely accepted. I'm not originally from here and didn't go to school here so I get treated as if I'm below being acknowledged. I know the people I work with and my husband's family. That's all I have. At times when I'm feeling down, I just want my family, my friends to comfort me. But I can't have them. My friends-from before I moved-don't respond when I try to engage a conversation. I have one cousin who is willing to talk to me but is always so busy with her two kids and her life. My best friend from high school is now married and has a child on the way. He was like a brother to me, we were so close for so long. He hasn't talked to me since I left. When I did leave, this isn't what I wanted. I wanted people to see how it was without me there and realize they needed me. Almost like a group rehab. But no one needed me and their lives moved on just fine without me. I guess my life moved on without them too, but I always have that hole in my heart where my friends will always be welcome. It seems my life isn't complete without a bit of my past mixed in. As much as I hated the path I was on 7 years ago, I'd almost wish to go back and fix things. Relationships with my family, friends, the entire community were in shambles. Broken, barely holding on by a thread, just like me. If I had been stronger, I would have stayed. I was weak. I ran instead of fighting. Never again will that happen. I will fight. Life, the Fates, God, whoever wants to...Bring it! I'm ready and this time I'm not running. I'll stand my ground and prove to everyone that I am worth it. I'm worthy of them fighting for me, with me and never again against me. They all saw me as a pathetic, worthless piece of shit. I'll show them and make them see that they should have kept me in their lives. Anger may burn, but it's a much sweeter burn than depression. With anger I can accomplish things. With depression, I run and hide. Fuck depression. Not that they will ever care enough to read this, but I want you know that when I'm ready, when I get to the point I want to be at, I'll come back. You'll see, you'll all see...next time...fight.

Hindsight is 20/20

Ain't it the truth that hindsight is always 20/20? That pivotal moment when realize, 'holy crap! I'm such an ass!', but by then it's too late to rectify. Damage is done. That opportunistic door has been slammed shut and locked. Is there a spare key anywhere? I know what you're thinking...when one door shuts another opens. Not true in all cases. To forgive is divine...blah blah blah. No one really forgives these days. It just gets shoved to the back of the brain behind silly things like 'how soon can I afford an IPad2' or 'did I remember to download the newest app at that last hotspot'. What does one subject have to do with other? Well...open mouth, insert foot happened and when there wasn't a response I took it to be a negative when in fact it was only because the person wasn't available. Now I could've just left the matter be and took it at face value. But since I tend to be on the, shall we say, dramatic, side, I overreacted. Still no response...feelings surely got hurt...no way to fix it. It's so clear to me! Because it's in hindsight...and no doors will magically appear when it comes to this ornery gemini who will surely not forgive me for quite some time. If I thought there might be a window I could slink my way into I'd try it, but he's shut off tighter than a tomb. What hurts the most is I'll have a random thought that I know he'd appreciate but when I go to share it with him, he's not there. Maybe Schnitzel is right...Gemini are bi-polar. That's it, he's having a down day but tomorrow will be all better! Right? Maybe? This Pisces has learned her lesson and that is some secrets are better left just that...secret. But that's a whole other story...