Fight or Flight Gone Awry

Have you ever had that moment when you realize you have become completely disconnected from everything that once upon a time made you "you"? I was just on facebook, catching up on issues and news from back home. When I first moved 1300 miles away from everything I'd ever known, it was refreshing and took a great deal of weight from my shoulders. Now, over 7 years later, it's as if I'd never even been there before. What was once called 'home' is now a strange land filled with people I simply don't know anymore. I basically ran away from all my problems instead of drowning in them so many years ago. I knew a little bit of everyone, but didn't have anyone to call friend anymore. It felt as if I was the outsider, always looking in on the whole world being happy, while I sat frozen, empty, always just watching. I despised that feeling, still do. It seems instead of getting a reaction by leaving, everyone I'd every known just moved on. No one wanted me back, no one even missed me. So now, I'm still the outsider, always wanting, waiting for that window to open and invite me in. But it never opens. 

Here, where I now call my home, I'm still not completely accepted. I'm not originally from here and didn't go to school here so I get treated as if I'm below being acknowledged. I know the people I work with and my husband's family. That's all I have. At times when I'm feeling down, I just want my family, my friends to comfort me. But I can't have them. My friends-from before I moved-don't respond when I try to engage a conversation. I have one cousin who is willing to talk to me but is always so busy with her two kids and her life. My best friend from high school is now married and has a child on the way. He was like a brother to me, we were so close for so long. He hasn't talked to me since I left. When I did leave, this isn't what I wanted. I wanted people to see how it was without me there and realize they needed me. Almost like a group rehab. But no one needed me and their lives moved on just fine without me. I guess my life moved on without them too, but I always have that hole in my heart where my friends will always be welcome. It seems my life isn't complete without a bit of my past mixed in. As much as I hated the path I was on 7 years ago, I'd almost wish to go back and fix things. Relationships with my family, friends, the entire community were in shambles. Broken, barely holding on by a thread, just like me. If I had been stronger, I would have stayed. I was weak. I ran instead of fighting. Never again will that happen. I will fight. Life, the Fates, God, whoever wants to...Bring it! I'm ready and this time I'm not running. I'll stand my ground and prove to everyone that I am worth it. I'm worthy of them fighting for me, with me and never again against me. They all saw me as a pathetic, worthless piece of shit. I'll show them and make them see that they should have kept me in their lives. Anger may burn, but it's a much sweeter burn than depression. With anger I can accomplish things. With depression, I run and hide. Fuck depression. Not that they will ever care enough to read this, but I want you know that when I'm ready, when I get to the point I want to be at, I'll come back. You'll see, you'll all see...next time...fight.

Hindsight is 20/20

Ain't it the truth that hindsight is always 20/20? That pivotal moment when realize, 'holy crap! I'm such an ass!', but by then it's too late to rectify. Damage is done. That opportunistic door has been slammed shut and locked. Is there a spare key anywhere? I know what you're thinking...when one door shuts another opens. Not true in all cases. To forgive is divine...blah blah blah. No one really forgives these days. It just gets shoved to the back of the brain behind silly things like 'how soon can I afford an IPad2' or 'did I remember to download the newest app at that last hotspot'. What does one subject have to do with other? Well...open mouth, insert foot happened and when there wasn't a response I took it to be a negative when in fact it was only because the person wasn't available. Now I could've just left the matter be and took it at face value. But since I tend to be on the, shall we say, dramatic, side, I overreacted. Still no response...feelings surely got hurt...no way to fix it. It's so clear to me! Because it's in hindsight...and no doors will magically appear when it comes to this ornery gemini who will surely not forgive me for quite some time. If I thought there might be a window I could slink my way into I'd try it, but he's shut off tighter than a tomb. What hurts the most is I'll have a random thought that I know he'd appreciate but when I go to share it with him, he's not there. Maybe Schnitzel is right...Gemini are bi-polar. That's it, he's having a down day but tomorrow will be all better! Right? Maybe? This Pisces has learned her lesson and that is some secrets are better left just that...secret. But that's a whole other story...

Porn & Prejudice

I write. I'm a writer. It's what I do, it's my form of stress relief. In turn, I also read. A LOT! You can ask anyone who knows me that my nose is usually glued to my Nook or my computer screen. I frequent a website where I both submit my writing and read others' works as well. Yes it's erotica, but that's what I know most about. I'm sure if I put my mind to it I could come up with some cheesy romance or perhaps even a mystery or two but honestly, they bore me. Erotica helps me blow off steam both mentally and emotionally. Sometimes physically as well if I work my hands to death typing. Getting away from the point though...here's the real reason I'm sitting here at 8 o'clock on a Monday morning madder than shit at fucking stupid ass pieces of hypocritical feces who are in serious need of flushing! See? I'm telling you, I'm completely unstable right now because of this. I was on aforementioned website, roving through the multitude of categories, deciding what, on this fine day, would tickle my fancy. As open-minded as I may be, my general whims and fancies tend to stray towards the risque. It doesn't mean I'm against the more mundane side of the great metropolis that is sexual factions. Seriously sometimes, usually in the midst of reading an award winning, albeit taboo, story I want to start singing the theme song to The Jefferson's. I feel like Wheezey moving on up to the East Side. I feel the dirty side of sex should be the East Side, I mean the US has New Jersey right? That's on the East...anyway! So here I was reading a fantastic story, maybe not the best grammar and could have been more descriptive, but it's not like we're publishing novels on there, it's simply for other people to read and enjoy. I like reading the comments of stories I particularly cared for, this being one of them. Some asshole had the gall, even anonymously, to put the comment 'you are sick and should have been drowned at birth.' Why the fuck are you reading it if it's so damn sick? I left a comment saying as much of course. The only ones who should be drowned at birth are carnies and if that retarded guy from work were my brother. (Shout out to Nadine!) I was, am still am apparently, right down livid that someone would shun another person's fantasy just because it doesn't coincide with their own. I doubt there are that many people out there who would find my fantasies normal or even sane for that matter. Do I give a rat's ass though? Fuck no! I'll still write them and I say if the subject matter offends, then cart your fat ass away from the computer and get you another Twinkie. I write for me and if others happen to read it and they like it, more power to them. I read to gain knowledge of different writing styles and perhaps someone's story might inspire me to write something else. Even if I read something and in the end not agree with it or find it disturbing, which you'll be hard pressed to find, I certainly would never put it or the writer down and say hateful things. Constructive criticism works, saying someone needs their 11 inch, non existent dick broke off and shoved up their ass is something else completely. I have said my piece and now off for more reading of apparently sick and twisted subject matter.

Drunken Rantings of a Crazy Person

Top Ten Reasons Why I Work At Walmart

1.) I like to people watch. Let me tell you, there are some AWESOME people who shop at Walmart!
2.) Vacation. While if you just started with the company you have to earn vacay time, I've been there for 7 years so I have 3 weeks. I'm forever saying if someone would hire me on with 3 weeks vacay I'd leave. No one has offered that yet.
3.)Friends. The friends that I have made working there are great. Honestly,they really are. I've got one who, right now is keeping me semi sane on facebook!
4.) Damn but I get to eyeball some hot boys! Working at a beach store it's like a run way for half nekkid hotties during the summer months. If only to be a half nekkid hottie myself....
5.)Paycheck. Can't help it, I like getting paid. Not the best, but hey, it pays something! Not necessarily the bills, but some clothes maybe or makeup...fun stuff!
6.)Clearance! I get first dibs at mark down stuff! Woohoo!
7.) No matter where I move on the WORLD there is a Walmart. If I want to move back North (which I never will) I can transfer to another Walmart.
8.) I will leave the rest blank for when I think of other reasons I enjoy working at Walmart. Can't think of much else right now. Take this as you will and not a reason to NOT apply at your local Walmart for employment. It is simply my odd opinion.

First Ever Blog Attempt

First of all, hello. I'm a newbie and may or may not fall in love with the idea of blogging. Lord knows there's a lot rolling around this head of mine that could use an outlet. I'm not so sure who might be interested in anything I write but I know, thankfully, I won't be sharing this with my parents. Forgive me if I'd crude at times and use fowl language. That's just in my nature to do, so be forewarned! I guess now I begin...I told a friend I'd set it up as a top ten list, which is what I'll do. Tonight's topic: Football Induced Insanity and It's Affect on the Male Psyche.
1.) Men turn into complete assholes when in a room filled with others of their kind. I'm not sure if it's the need to show up one another by seeing who can be a bigger dick or if it's an unwritten rule to act as such. If a man remains nice and thoughtful during a football game while in the presence of his buddies, run, he's gay. It'll never work out, Honey,move on while you can.
2.)What is the male fascination with football anyway? Now yes,I enjoy it, but I mostly pay attention to the tight asses running up and down the field. Is that what guys look at as well? Are they maybe imagining themselves in such great shape? Or is it an envy thing like when I see a skinny bitch and I want to either be her or beat her head in with a bowling ball? Whatever the cause, I'm not so sure I'll ever fully understand how every man who watches football is not slightly gay.
3.)Tight Ends: Honestly, what's up with the names of the positions? Who came up with this non sense? I complete see it if it were being said about me. In fact I have a pair of undies from American Eagle that say in big (and I mean big, because I have a fat ass) letters across it: Tight End. I suppose the same can be said about men but with my husbands willingness to show me every especially large poop he takes I can't see how he can be considered a tight end.
4.)Babysitting. Since when does having his friends over to watch the game automatically turn me into the babysitter? I don't even like kids! Except mine of course, but everyone else's had better be on a leash and have a muzzle.Seriously, I don't see the fairness in this. They don't care if I want to see the game, they only care that they aren't disturbed.
5.) Beer. Why is beer a requisite for any sporting event? My husband used to shun me for drinking a beer after a hard day at work and yet I don't say a word when he downs a six pack while watching a game on tv. On his day off. For no apparent reason. So tonight, I'm getting even. Or at least evenly tipsy. I made some blue kool aid and added a bit (and by bit I mean a lot) of coconut rum. You should have seen the scowl on his face when I told him what I was drinking.
6.)Hot Chicks. I may not qualify as one, but apparently the cameras on TV are attracted only to the scantily clad even though it's negative 35 degrees outside kind of heifers. If only someone had told me when I was young that to get on TV all I had to do was be half naked at a football game and eventually, no matter where I was sitting, the camera would find me. To go back to when I was younger and start over again with the knowledge I have now. I'd be a hot chick, TV or not. But alas, I'm not, therefore those bitches must die!
7.)Referees. If the guys sitting out in my garage right now know sooooo much and can see each and every penalty then why aren't they refs? Quit your bitching and quit hollaring at the TV because they can't hear you!
8.)Emotions seem to run rampant at football games. From pure euphoria to the deepest despair, it seems men really do have feelings. Only when one guy fumbles a ball and another guy grabs his ball and runs away. Sounds like a lot of playing with balls is going on here! But hey, don't cry-Tim Tebow- remember it's just a game and you get paid way more than the average person.
9.)Ok I just heard some strange grunting noise from my garage that sounded oddly enough like my husband. Should I be worried?
10.)If I have a hobby that I enjoy, which I do, why is it that I get ridiculed and glared at whenever I partake in such an activity? Do I say a word while he's throwing shit around and tearing out his hair because someone didn't call a face mask? No! Yet if I sit at the computer and start to type he starts in with the 'I guess I'll start dinner and laundry and do dishes'. Why God why didn't I become a lesbian????!!!!!